It’s that time of the year, the halfway point of the summer, the part where you start to get antsy and wonder when that summer romance is going to start up. With hockey being such a niche sport, there isn’t much of a dating pool and it could mean you need to search outside your comfort zone, find a non hockey fan. Craziness! I know. But what’s even more crazy, is the shit your non hockey fan date has to deal with. What am I talking about? Well each fanbase has its own quirks, their own expectations of how things should go. Last summer theactivestick but together a list about dating hockey fans, but she only got around to six, and, well, I’m more likely to end up on a date with a Devils fan than a Canucks fan just because of proximity. So before you go out with your unsuspecting date, print out this guide and highlight your favorite teams so your date knows what they are getting into.
If you find yourself dating a...
…Anaheim Ducks fan, you will forever be second to Teemu Selanne. Google this man and get used to him dominating every aspect of your relationship. You will never be good enough because you are not Teemu. Your partner’s first child will be named Teemu Ilmari Selänne. Don’t bother trying to convince them otherwise.
… Boston Bruins fan, this is what you’ll hear “Boston was the mecca of sports and now everyone is against us!” You may want to sympathize but please remember: 2011 the Bruins won the Cup, Celtics in 2008, Red Sox in 2007, and the New England Patriots in 2004. Boston is doing just fine.
… Buffalo Sabres fan, there will be a tie fetish. Whether or not they realize this, something about a half windsor knot turns them on like no hunk of naked flesh ever could. Don Draper and Avril Lavigne are their go to masturbation fantasies. If things slack off in the bedroom, show up wearing a tie and nothing else. Sparks will fly.
… Calgary Flames fan, hopefully you like long term commitments. No matter how bad shit gets, you’ll be with them for a long ass time. Good news though, there will be no shortage of money thrown at you. Gifts, fancy dinners, the works. You might be miserable there, but at least you’ll look pretty and be well fed.
… Carolina Hurricanes fan, be prepared to have a closet or a room devoted to Jeff Skinner and the Staals. Your Chucks will be bounced for more space as the shrine grows. Deal with it. The sun, the moon, and the stars revolved around these guys.
… Chicago Blackhawks fan, conversations with them will go like this “who would win in a fight? Ditka or Toews? Ditka or Superman Kane?” and trust me when I say, you will never win against the Ditka.
… Colorado Avalanche fan, fighting with them will be pretty damn hard. No they won’t get physical but they will start shoving rings in their ears. If they can’t hear you, well you don’t count for much, right JR?
… Columbus Blue Jackets fan, they will have a collection of fancy gadgets that look pretty but will never work the way they are supposed to. The tv, surround sound system, and the Blu Ray player will never work all at the same time.
… Dallas Stars fan, don’t worry if in the middle of your relationship you find yourself needing to relocate. Your honey is accustomed to traveling. They’ll stay faithful through it all, no matter how bad things get. Including the addition of Derek Roy.
… Detroit Red Wings fan, be prepared to do everything on the east side of town. Doesn’t matter if it’s a 20 minute trek and the better of two restaurants is on the south side, a Red Wing fan will vehemently disagree and repeat that the east is alway better. ALWAYS!
… Edmonton Oilers fan, they like them young and dumb. If you’re not barely legal, you’ve no shot with an Oilers fan. They enjoy the flashiness of the youth and aren’t afraid to shower them with money and put them on a pedestal.
… Florida Panthers fan, they will have a little brother complex. They’ve try to match their older brother’s success but they haven’t come close to reaching their goals. They’ll scream and shout and try to convince you they can keep up, but outside of killing rats, they aren’t good for much.
… Los Angeles Kings fan, they will win a huge prize during some point in your relationship, but please, whatever you do, DON’T make a big deal about it. Just sit there quietly, nod your head, and wait for them to calm down. They can have their moment but really, nobody cares.
… Minnesota Wild fan, I’m sure you met them in a bar, right? They had this snazzy pick up line, came on strong enough to make you want to go home with them that night. Had some fun with them and probably scored. And suddenly they shut down. They get crazy defensive and don’t let you in, right? Have fun making that one work. (thank you Scotty Wazz for help on this one and a few more)
… Montreal Canadiens fan, be prepared for them to obsess about your lineage. Won’t actually matter if you’re a good person or not, they will only care about where your family is from. And they will hold it against you the entire time if you’re not Francophone.
… Nashville Predators fan, be prepared to never meet one that’s single. They’ve been dating the same person since kindergarten. They’ve put in the time and they aren’t willing to let go. And when their significant other does walk away, for someone with more money, be prepared for them to be bitter. You might not want to swoop in and pick them up right away.
… New Jersey Devils fan, do not confuse their game worn Martin Brodeur sweater for a tent. They will not be happy when you pack it for your camping trip and it rains and the essence of Marty and doughnuts washes away.
… New York Islanders fan, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you’re dating an inflatable doll. Islanders fans don’t exists.
… New York Rangers fan, be prepared to relive that one moment, that happened 18 years ago, over and over and over again until you’re so filled with rage, you begin to hate all things hockey.
… Ottawa Senators fan, ask a few people (non family members) to rate on a scale of 1-10 how creepy your laugh is. You might just have the creepiest fucking laugh ever to exists.
… Philadelphia Flyers fan, pack a helmet. You’ll be subjected to so many “accidental” elbows, you’ll start to wonder if there’s a bull’s eye somewhere on your body.
… Phoenix Coyotes fan, congrats on finding one of the 12 that exists. Don’t be surprised if late one night they suddenly up and leave you for Seattle. Or Hamilton. Or somewhere that’s more accepting of them.
… Pittsburgh Penguins fan, be prepared to hear the name “Sidney” or “Mario” cried out during climax, not your own. Pretend they are calling out “god” (in their mind they are) and your relationship will be safe.
… Saint Louis Blues fan, be prepared to wait. A looooooong time. They’ll keep telling you it’ll be worth the wait. That even though everyone their age has already, they are secure enough in putting it off until they are comfortable enough. Which, don’t get me wrong, is fine and dandy, but at 45 years old, gives off a strange vibe, no?
… San Jose Sharks fan, be prepared to have a fantastic start of a date and come up short at the end. Don’t expect to get very far when you invite them back to your place. They think getting to your couch is a high stress situation and will bolt after that initial kiss. Don’t worry though, you won’t be the only one disappointed with that ending.
… Tampa Bay Lightning fan, do not call Steve Yzerman Two Face. He’s not Harvey Dent and he’s not trying to overtake Gotham. Please do not call Steven Stamkos Jeff Spiccoli. He’s not going to go surf. And no, if you hook up a doll to the Telsa coils in the arena and put a bra on your head the doll will not suddenly become Kelly LeBrock. This is the Tampa Bay Lightning, not the movies.
… Toronto Maple Leafs fan, I hope you find yourself a car with good gas mileage. They won’t be happy with watching a movie or show in their area, they will make you travel a few hours to watch Nickelback or a Dane Cook movie or some other overpriced shit show with equal disappointment.
… Vancouver Canucks fan, well, don’t bother to get involved unless you’re a ginger. Even better if you’re a twin. Honestly, you’ll try so hard to please them, but in the end their heart belongs to the fairest ginger of them all. And don’t believe them when they tell you they are looking for long term, if you’re not a ginger you’ll be ditched half way through the relationship for a newer, younger ginger.
… Washington Capitals fan, don’t expect any sort of long term relationship with them. Yeah sure they are going to hold the door open for you, drop the compliments, hit all the right spots, but when push comes to shove, they aren’t in it for the long haul. Expect candies and roses, not a promise til death.
… Winnipeg Jets fan, expect them to do their best work with a creepy distant relative’s photo looking over them. There’s one thing to keep family in your life, there’s another thing to have them watching your every move. Unblinking. And judging you for not heating the tea properly.
So there you have it. All 30 crazy fan bases. We all have our quirks, some better hidden than others and some less offensive than others. Instead of setting yourself up for another doomed relationship, just show this and give your poor partner a heads up of what’s to come, from one night to 12 years.
And remember, if there is a lockout, all bets are off. The shit will hit the fan and all of us will lose our minds. You’re on your own with that one.